A Crazymaking Covert Narcissistic Abuse Pattern You Have Come to Know
In this Blogcast, I’m sharing a story (with permission) that perfectly illustrates what the covert narcissistic abuse cycle looks like and what you may be feeling when you’re in it.
Here is the story:
“I signed up for the ETC self study course minutes ago!!
Really looking forward to what it has in store for me..
I have struggled with staying versus leaving this relationship for a while now. I speak calmly and try to explain my truth and politely try to set boundaries. He doesn’t seem to care. He gets mad and angry- yells at me in front of our son, name calls, talks in accusatory circles. I recently told him that he is not entitled to talk to me like that. It’s not okay. Ive tolerated it for a while and I will not anymore, and next time he does it im going to leave.
Well… he did it again. And I am having SUCH A HARD TIME KEEPING MY BOUNDARIES. I got paperwork started and struggled mentally all day yesterday at work trying to follow through. By the time I got home, he had cleaned the entire house (which was a large portion of our arguments recently) did the laundry, was working in the backyard. I STARTED FEELING GUILTY. That I would be the bad person. If I left, I’d file paperwork so that he wouldn’t see our son for a while.
There was zero apology – which is typical. He blows up and then pretends like everything is normal and asks me what’s wrong. He jokes around and wants to be sweet and loving. I see it, I know the pattern, I know what’s going on, yet still I play into it. I feel like I am losing myself more and more every day because I am not heard and I don’t feel strong enough to make the decision to finally stand up for myself.
I think that whether I stay or leave, this course will help me heal myself. Just wanted to share where I’m starting from”.
I break these down further in the podcast below, so make sure to listen to this episode for a deeper dive into each point:
- Sharing: this is not about you learning how to communicate. It is about him refusing to hear you, because he cannot tolerate his own shame and guilt.
- Stonewalling (not listening, yelling, dominating conversation)
- Circular Communication (see podcast 177 for more on this)
- He senses her pulling away, getting ready to leave, and hooks her with acts of service and love to confuse and induce guilt for having the desire to leave (further hooks her in)
- Zero apology/acts as if nothing happened, jokes around: (Gaslighting/minimization) See episodes 179 on Minimization and episodes 155, 185, and 186 on Gaslighting.
REMEMBER!! Covert abuse is harder to spot, and covert types get away with a lot more, because they are so good at masking the abuse and manipulation!!
Pain to Power Takeaway: You must own your reality and stop getting sucked back into the fog. This starts with knowing the cycle, the tactics, types of abuse and behaviors you are experiencing and wake up to the reality and severity of the situation you are in.
If you’re ready to end the cycle and take your power back in a narcissistic relationship, you can get my ETC Self Study course below.