This is one of my most personally revealing blogs to date. I don’t often share a whole lot about my childhood or inner process in my writing – because honestly, being open and truthful is scary. Being vulnerable opens one up to criticism and rejection. BUT I am moving past the fear with hope that my story will help you, the reader, in some way.
As I learn, I teach. My journey to becoming a counsellor has been in large part, through becoming a student of my own learning and inner process, and working my own healing path. Every time I learn something new about myself, I can then share that with others to assist them on their path. There is always something more to learn!
Personal Development and holistic healing is my passion and also my purpose – I live and breathe what I write about, and what I teach.
Recently I have become increasingly more awake to the feelings of fear that can wash over me when I am feeling true happiness, contentment, and hope.
When I look at my kids, and am filled with such love for them, sometimes the terrifying thoughts will creep in, “what if something ever happens to them?” “you would never survive that”. Brene Brown speaks of this exact scenario, and when I heard it for the first time, it clicked, Wow, I am not crazy! (She explains this in her video at the end of this blog.)
It’s the thoughts that creep in, the ego mind, the voices of the past that tell me I better not get too happy, because something is going to happen to make it all go away. Then when it does, it won’t be such a let down, or as big of a fall if I stay down low. Or, it’s the waiting for the other shoe to drop metaphor. Maybe it is because in my life, I have seen so many shoes drop, and many, many times where the good feeling did go away. When that happens too many times, we shut down – often it happens early in our childhood. It is too scary to feel that vulnerable feeling of joy and happiness- so we close off and numb it out.
Because he was raised in awful conditions that no child should ever have to endure, it hardened him, repressed him and made his view of the world quite negative and dark. And in turn, because he was not conscious of his own inner process, a lot of his beliefs were passed along – as it often goes in families.
For many years, I believed that life is a constant struggle, people can’t be trusted, the world is an unsafe place, and that I have no right to be happy when so many others are suffering around me, and around the world.
I was given messages in my childhood that said “you don’t matter”, “you are a burden”, “don’t toot your own horn”, “you’re not that great” and in many different ways was shown the world is not safe. So, this is how I grew up – believing I should not speak highly of myself, and naturally given all of this, I sure didn’t think very highly of myself either. I am still working on this continually. Loving oneself is a tough job sometimes, but it is also essential to becoming who you want to be.
He made a comment saying something to the effect of “she just has no idea what real life is like yet” And went on with some other negative comments about the horrors of the world going on.
I was floored, and felt like the ground below me was shifting. THAT’S IT! That is what I always heard growing up! I swore I had heard that exact statement myself once or twice as a kid when I was happy for no reason – then shamed for my happiness. Wow, right?!
“When we lose our tolerance for vulnerability joy becomes foreboding.”